Friends With Benefits

 


  When your co-workers find out that you own a vehicle that will fit the new love seat that they have to have inside of their own minds, you suddenly become a friend with benefits. Normally these are the same people who have problems remembering your exact name: like if your name is Brad they still some times call you Brian. All of a sudden you are the source for all of their answers. 

 It has been years since your worth has been valued this much....maybe not since the day that your were born and proved to be healthy with all of your fingers and toes. The first natural tendency is to basque in the glory of being something to somebody, when those two seconds are over with, you move on to protecting your time, your property, and your lifting capability. These are all the things expected in exchange for a few nice words and a quick smile. All of a sudden your life is filled with things that are more important than feeding starving children in Calcutta like Mother Theresa...you call this 'washing your hair' or 'house sitting your neighbors elderly cat with bowl problems', also known as anything that sounds plausible and can't be found out to be a bold faced lie. 

Some people would say why not just tell the truth and tell your co-worker that you are not interested in using your gas, your time, and your muscle to lug a two seat couch up a flight of stairs because you are waiting for them to evicted instead because of all the other things you have heard coming out of their mouth. As much joy as it is verbally slapping people in the face, house sitting a fake neighbors cat with bowl problems is starting to feel so much better than 'hells bells no way and here's why...'.

 Then there are those who can't take a hint, a tip, or a guided tour to the answer of 'no'. They beg, they nag, they stalk, they know when and where you will be because you both work at the same place. This is when you start to feel like Mother Theresa even though you have done nothing to help anyone, you too have fought the devil in the name of oppression and have won the daily battle in the name of good against evil. Based on the amount of whining, begging, and daily pleas of need, you are almost positive that those starving children in Calcutta complained less. This is when you reaffirm to yourself that adults are suppose to take care of themselves and that you are not the only person in the USA with a vehicle that can move a love seat. Now you are just waiting out the siege.
  Eventually this person should move on to someone else...theoretically. Or you get promoted because your boss is impressed by your new dedication to your job as way to stay as busy as you publicly claim to be and then really don't have time for any of your former goofing off....maybe you should have moved the couch....at least then you could still goof off.

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Big In The U.ASS.A.

 

 We all work hard, some work really hard, and then there are those who work extra hard trying to do things that will let them work smarter and not harder. There is that old joke from the short lived TV show In Living Color, "How many job ya got mon?" Then the other person would respond that he had three jobs. The group would laugh and say that the man was lazy then move onto the next guy who had five jobs. Generally the joke was the most poverty stricken people or the ones fresh off the boat from Ellis Island could only get crappy part time jobs so they always had more than one. Personally I have been known to juggle three jobs at the same time while looking for one good job that never happened.

  Everyone tries to make their lives better, everyone tries to work hard enough to find a happy medium between doing and not doing so much that we don't miss out on the some of the happier moments. Many believe in the concept of 'only wanting a happy life', and some just work harder than others to get something they could call happiness....for some the jury is still out on that one.

  For one thing I have been seeing a trend in our society, the more free government hand outs people get the unhappier they become. It is no longer about simply getting the hand out but all the other drama created surrounding it. People who do not have jobs need something to fill their lives, so they complain about the free hand outs that they have been given (it wasn't fast enough, it was the wrong color, the person who gave it to them was rude...etc). Now with 40% of the population supporting the other 60% we are breeding whiny self entitled people who think they have money to spend. In reality they have your money to spend, and they want to maximize the worth of that money by getting as much stuff for free with that money. For example, if these government funded babies go out to eat (at the place where I work) then they will complain until whole entrees have been removed from the bill and then will not tip because they are on a set monthly budget. This is the kind of society our government is creating. Or when I am working hard to sell things online, they buy things continually asking for refunds because they wanted the experience of shopping but can't afford a car to go try on clothes since it is cheaper to harass online sellers. I want this on my tombstone 'I like selling to men because they  know what they want. Women are clueless'. I am not complaining about giving refunds, but if you know that you are a 2XL and just want to see if the XL fits, do not waste my time for me to ship it just to let you try it on. (Side note FYI, damaged inventory from fat ladies cannot be sold again and eBay will always take their side and not yours.) 

  

  This problem has been growing all over our country, we are the lazy asses of America, we are Big in the U. ASS.A. All of these lazy, find a problem with everything people need a little less drama and a little more hunger in their lives.....a hunger to improve or actual hunger because if you don't work you should not weigh 400lbs. Wither is it at my restaurant job or at home trying to be an entrepreneur, all I want for all the whiny bitchy babies is to leave me alone....but America is now a breeding grounds for the self entitled to my tax dollars. Another true statistic that comes to mind that gives me an odd sense of joy, at least people are being convinced that they are too broke to have babies. Not sure which sector this is working more on, but jobs would limit the breeding of child related hand outs. If you at work you ain't screwing....jus' sayin'. If you have a job then maybe you can tip your waitress.

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The Friend Zone (you ain't gonna get the girl)

 


 Bobby really liked Sue, Sue knew that Bobby was alive on planet earth, sometimes. Bobby tried to get Sue's attention by giving her small gifts at the appropriate holidays, her birthday, and surprise items that he thought were funny. Sue always said thank you and showed real gratitude, but always told Bobby how great of a 'friend' he was, she never gave him anything but a free smile. It wasn't until Sue had broken up with and hooked up with two other guys that Bobby thought it was time to get out of the 'friend' zone. He finally found the courage to ask Sue exactly what she thought of him, and like most people she didn't have an answer for him. Since she almost never thought of him, or took anything he did seriously, or bothered to remember his long history of kindness towards her; she was being completely honest when she said that she had no idea what she thought about him because she never thought about him. This was a complete shock to Bobby who had tried to do things so that she might one day see him as a real person in her life. He was still invisible in the 'friend' zone, a place where the living are treated as if they are dead by can still communicate with the living.

  The friend zone should only be reserved for guys who are gay or male relatives, the rest are in search of dating material and will not stick around if they are put into the friend zone for too long. Guys know what it means when then are sentenced to the friend zone. Some own up to it and know they do not have a snowball's chance in hell with you, while the rest are clueless for months or years until a new object for their affection shows up and you become last weeks meatloaf.The friend zone can be useful in evaluating a person you do or don't want to keep in your life, but when the cooking timer goes off it's time call it the way it is and announce that that turkey is cooked, it's done, it's over, it's finito.

  Girls use the friend zone a lot, I know of many guys who have a permanent camping spot in the friend zone of many girls and magically have not turned gay. (No names to protect the exceedingly geeky) At the same time I know girls overly use these words 'just friends' to hide anything from confused emotions, not choosing which emotions to have, hedging their bets to see if there is a better guy out there, or keeping the better guy around until they can get rid of the current toy. I will never say that any of this is moral, respectful, or desirable (the friend zone should not look like a cemetery camping site, because some have bought condos), but it is real and true. It's a sick little game of denial, lack of self control, and gives false hope to those who should be told the truth sooner (you ain't gonna get the girl/guy). These games can be a two way street, but not as often as you might think. Usually the girl thinks she can forever keep a guy at arms length for all her petty needs, while he is just waiting to see when it is time to leave. If you don't give guys good solid reasons to stay they will be gone in the blink of an eye. It only takes a person 1.8 seconds to realize that they are not wanted in the way they are asking to be needed, and it take 5.8 seconds for girls to turn into bitches....just saying.

  Wake up my bitches, if guys get smarter faster then they will leave faster, as in they too can forget your phone number, un-friend you on facebook, not go out to eat, and will not take care of your cat for free while you are on vacation alone. Whining and complaining to the nearest set of ears just means you like to whine and you are assuming that the ears want to hear your deafening voice. Ever wonder why girls also leave the friend zones of other girls (no they are not lesbian), they also are worn out by the demands of a self absorbed 'friend'. Guys really do put up with a lot of petty crap, just like girls can put up with a lot of petty crap from guys, but to demand things because a person is a friend of yours without some general kindness in return will get you voted off the island. For the record I don't willingly remember birthdays because I know you will never remember mine, I don't give gifts unless I am cleaning out my garage and do not expect anything in return, and I don't keep people in my life who keep showing up asking for things who are assuming I am their doormat. I need to go wash my hair, all of a sudden I need to join the Peace Corps, just remembered I need to become Catholic so I can be a nun, and call me next week and see if I remember you. (I know you won't bother to remember this either.)

  


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