The Friend Zone (you ain't gonna get the girl)

 


 Bobby really liked Sue, Sue knew that Bobby was alive on planet earth, sometimes. Bobby tried to get Sue's attention by giving her small gifts at the appropriate holidays, her birthday, and surprise items that he thought were funny. Sue always said thank you and showed real gratitude, but always told Bobby how great of a 'friend' he was, she never gave him anything but a free smile. It wasn't until Sue had broken up with and hooked up with two other guys that Bobby thought it was time to get out of the 'friend' zone. He finally found the courage to ask Sue exactly what she thought of him, and like most people she didn't have an answer for him. Since she almost never thought of him, or took anything he did seriously, or bothered to remember his long history of kindness towards her; she was being completely honest when she said that she had no idea what she thought about him because she never thought about him. This was a complete shock to Bobby who had tried to do things so that she might one day see him as a real person in her life. He was still invisible in the 'friend' zone, a place where the living are treated as if they are dead by can still communicate with the living.

  The friend zone should only be reserved for guys who are gay or male relatives, the rest are in search of dating material and will not stick around if they are put into the friend zone for too long. Guys know what it means when then are sentenced to the friend zone. Some own up to it and know they do not have a snowball's chance in hell with you, while the rest are clueless for months or years until a new object for their affection shows up and you become last weeks meatloaf.The friend zone can be useful in evaluating a person you do or don't want to keep in your life, but when the cooking timer goes off it's time call it the way it is and announce that that turkey is cooked, it's done, it's over, it's finito.

  Girls use the friend zone a lot, I know of many guys who have a permanent camping spot in the friend zone of many girls and magically have not turned gay. (No names to protect the exceedingly geeky) At the same time I know girls overly use these words 'just friends' to hide anything from confused emotions, not choosing which emotions to have, hedging their bets to see if there is a better guy out there, or keeping the better guy around until they can get rid of the current toy. I will never say that any of this is moral, respectful, or desirable (the friend zone should not look like a cemetery camping site, because some have bought condos), but it is real and true. It's a sick little game of denial, lack of self control, and gives false hope to those who should be told the truth sooner (you ain't gonna get the girl/guy). These games can be a two way street, but not as often as you might think. Usually the girl thinks she can forever keep a guy at arms length for all her petty needs, while he is just waiting to see when it is time to leave. If you don't give guys good solid reasons to stay they will be gone in the blink of an eye. It only takes a person 1.8 seconds to realize that they are not wanted in the way they are asking to be needed, and it take 5.8 seconds for girls to turn into bitches....just saying.

  Wake up my bitches, if guys get smarter faster then they will leave faster, as in they too can forget your phone number, un-friend you on facebook, not go out to eat, and will not take care of your cat for free while you are on vacation alone. Whining and complaining to the nearest set of ears just means you like to whine and you are assuming that the ears want to hear your deafening voice. Ever wonder why girls also leave the friend zones of other girls (no they are not lesbian), they also are worn out by the demands of a self absorbed 'friend'. Guys really do put up with a lot of petty crap, just like girls can put up with a lot of petty crap from guys, but to demand things because a person is a friend of yours without some general kindness in return will get you voted off the island. For the record I don't willingly remember birthdays because I know you will never remember mine, I don't give gifts unless I am cleaning out my garage and do not expect anything in return, and I don't keep people in my life who keep showing up asking for things who are assuming I am their doormat. I need to go wash my hair, all of a sudden I need to join the Peace Corps, just remembered I need to become Catholic so I can be a nun, and call me next week and see if I remember you. (I know you won't bother to remember this either.)

  


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My Little Dictator....I mean Piggy

  How many of you have been trained by a guinea pig? How many of you make a noise in your bedroom to here the high pitched squeaks from a guinea pig in the kitchen? This noise is equal to the noises rodents make before a snake eats them, except my rodent is sitting safely in his cage demanding his drug of choice, also known as carrots. Normally he makes those cute little chortling noises that make it seem as if he is talking to you and only his opinion matters. But after six long agonizing hours after he ate his last carrot, he almost climbs up the side of his wire cage while screaming as he is if he is going to die or something trying to get him. 
  Ignoring his tantrum only lasts for so long. My refrigerator makes a weird deep humming sound, and when you open the door it makes a squeaky sound similar to Piggy. Because my guinea pig lives so close to this box he has learned to pay a lot of attention to it. Also he has learned that most of the time if he hears the sound of the fridge door open then a piece of carrot usually will fall from the sky into his cage. Now even when he is not scheduled to eat and he hears the fridge door open he starts with shrieking and the cage wall climbing. Some of this is my fault, but when a Piggy learns something they don't ever really un-learn it. He has learned the same way Pavlov's dogs learn to drool at the sound of a bell, when I was working more hours the only time the fridge door opened was when I was home and that was only twice a day. So now when I have a mixed schedule or come home early, guess what the little dictator....I mean Piggy wants, he is hooked on carrots like a meth addict. 
 I have tried other things, broccoli and lettuce have come close to satisfying he demands. Yet there is nothing so funny as throwing a big piece of dikon radish, which is the same hardness and is a root vegetable, and see him sniff it then go right back to begging and complaining that he wants food. I have also discovered that he has this habit of sniffing his food bowl when he is not climbing up the side of his cage. If he gets any fatter, he could play Jaba the Hut in the Lego man version of Star Wars. Normally he looks so cute curled up on side sleeping in the wood chips, but when he hears the fridge door open....lights, curtain, action, it's show time like a scene from Les Miserable of the lonely beggar dying from hunger. It has been only four hours since the last time he was given a carrot longer than his own body and he had dry kibble still in his dish....I hear guinea pig is a delicacy in South American countries.


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